celebrity look alikes

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A famous person came in to work today. No one was in that section, so I was the (un)lucky one who got to help the celebrity.   My brushes with the famous in the have been few and unimpressive. They'll either be "That British guy from the Food Network" or "Look, there's Al Roker at the cashier," or "I didn't work the day that David Sedaris came in." 

I approached this celebrity and tried to place his face.  "That's that guy... right?  Who is that guy...I don't have a television, is that...? I think that's Pauly Shore. Holy fuck, that's Pauly Shore..."

I go up and help him to the best of my abilities. My heart is racing, because even if it is Pauly Shore, it's still Pauly Shore. Whatever grade celebrity he is, he still has the title of celebrity.  (Un)fortunately, he stumped me with a question I'd never heard of in the past 8 months I've been working at the store. Rather than try to figure it out myself, I panicked, told him to "wait right there," and I was going ask someone for the answer.  I was happy to pass the celebrity baton.

About twenty-five feet away is my manager. I go up to him and explain the problem, "Blah blah blah... Computer computer, blah blah... Oh--" (And this is where my tongue got away from my brain), "Oh, and it's Pauly Shore."  I turn around to go retrieve said Pauly Shore and I instead found him standing right behind me.

Pauly Shore doesn't listen to directions.

"I'm sorry," I said.
He muttered, "Oh, that's okay," and continued to be half-awake at 10 in the morning.

Embarrassed at the fact that he caught me being star struck, I apologized and fled the scene.

I told my coworker what happened. Pauly Shore was apparently a ninja. He sneaks up behind you when you tell him to wait in accessories.  Oh how embarrassed am I that Pauly Shore heard me say that he was Pauly Shore.

"That's not Pauly Shore."

"What?"

"That's not Pauly Shore. I think that's Giovanni Ribisi."

Take a moment for that to sink in.  Giovanni Ribisi.

"What?!"

Across the store my manager was talking to Pauly Shore while I'm looking at an IMDB site displaying the image of the man that I just unknowingly called Pauly Shore. And it was not Pauly Shore.  I compared the pictures of the two.  Does Giovanni Ribisi know that he looks surprisingly similar to Pauly Shore?  Does he get it all the time? 

  This is not Pauly Shore.

This is not Giovanni Ribisi

After an eternity, my manager, who I assume thinks I'm an idiot and misinterprets my retail apathy for ignorance, finished helping Pauly Ribisi while I hid downstairs.  I pictured them exchanging fist bumps and bro-bra talk, "Did I hear that right, bra? Did she call me Pauly Shore?"

"Yeah, bro.  I mean, buuuuddy!"
Simultaneously they'd say, "Whatta moron!"
"I'm freakin' Giovanni Ribisi!"
They'd high-five and the world would stand still in a freeze frame.

"Did he hear me?"  I asked my manager when he finally returned downstairs.
He responded simply, "Yup."

There go my chances of having all of my Ribisi babies.  Great.

I retold the story to friends and co-workers so I could find the humor in the situation.  I felt better after my friend Ben said to me, "He played a retard that fell in love with a retard.  He is Pauly Shore."  After about the 19th telling and a drink on my lunch break, I was laughing with and not at myself.  I enjoyed the idea of a paranoid Ribisi going back to his buds on the "Public Enemy" sound stage (filming in Chicago) asking people if they thought he looked anything like Pauly Shore.  They'd avoid eye contact and reluctantly assure him that he looked nothing like that guy.  He'd stare at himself in the mirror for hours, slowly raising and lowering Pauly Shore's headshot up to his face.  He'd whip around to try to catch himself, or turn to the side so he could see Pauly Shore from his peripheral view.  He'd stick out his gut, stretch his face around with his hands and do impressions from "Encino Man" to see if the similarities were subtle or glaring.

He'd eventually make an appearance on Leno promoting the film and tell an antic about a silly gal who thought he was in "Bio-Dome."  I'll have to make it my career enough so I can sit on Conan O'Brien's couch and set the record straight that yes, I think he looks like Pauly Shore.  Then both Shore and Ribisi will appear from behind the curtain and we'd cut to commercial break.

We'll all laugh about this one day.  Together.
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